The Power of Choice

In 2015 the word I chose to work with for the year was Trust. For 2016 the word was Power. In both cases the Universe complied with my implicit request and brought me lessons and gifts suffused with those qualities.

Image of three open doors with the word choice superimposed over them.

My word of the year for 2017 is Choice. It was a natural progression from learning about Power as I had the previous year. By the end of last year I was embracing my own personal power in ways I hadn’t even come close to before. I was able to do that in part with help I had from the Breakthrough Performance Program and through the most powerful healing modality I have ever encountered: Multi-Dimensional Awakening. I also had many other helpers and experiences along the way, so that by the end of 2016 I was feeling like a Goddess with the world at my fingertips.

And then a test came crashing down on me that had me doubting that power. It called on me to embrace my own choices, contrary to the manner in which I had been trying to avoid them my entire life. You see, one of the ways I have traditionally given away my power is by letting others influence my choices, if not, then just turning over the choice to someone else altogether.

So when my car literally fell apart on Christmas Day, I had a choice. I faced that same choice continually for a month: do I panic or Image of the underbelly of a car with a pipe rusted throughdo I trust?  Well…I did both. The choice was presented over and over for the month I was without my own vehicle. At the end of January, with the help of a generous benefactor, I was able to choose a reliable vehicle to carry me and my family where we need to go. Then the hard part set in.

I continued to vacillate between trust, panic, and depression. I lost that battle for a while, choosing to stay in a place of helplessness and hopelessness. I isolated myself from those who care about me. I avoided activities that I knew would bring me comfort. It got to the point that I forgot to trust or claim my power altogether. I was so overwhelmed by the thought of making the wrong choice that I became paralyzed and chose not to decide…which of course is a choice in itself.

Then came a turning point. It wasn’t just one thing, but a series of events in which I chose to love myself and reach out for help. I chose a yoga class when a friend invited me and was reminded of the power of women gathered together in sacred space.Image of a woman seated in a yoga pose I asked sister-of-my-heart, Ashley Rae, for a Theta Healing session that helped identify where feelings of powerlessness related to money originated. I participated in a Moksha Magick ritual where the group intention was nourishing ourselves and breaking free of constraints we had placed on ourselves or accepted from others. I was reminded by a new practitioner just coming into her power about how we do not have to lead from a place of perfection, but a place of self-acceptance.

And so I chose again and again. Sometimes I chose myself, and sometimes I chose the fear. After every choice came another choice, another chance to stay or come back into balance.

Today I am choosing to trust. Today I am choosing joy…I don’t know what I’ll choose tomorrow, but that’s okay because after tomorrow there will be more chances to choose.

You have those same choices and chances. You have that same power within you. You can choose community or isolation. You can choose to do things that bring you joy or things that dig you deeper into a place of pain. And then you can make another choice and another and another.

The Power is yours!

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Thank You to My Teachers, Thank You to my Students

Someone asked me recently why I want to do the work I do.

What a great question!

My answer was that I have had some incredibly profound, healing, and spiritually connective experiences in my life, and I want to help other people have similar revelations and heal at that same deep level. I want to guide people to truly experiencing the Divine presence in their own lives here and now.

A friend and colleague of mine expresses this sentiment as wanting to help others achieve what he had to figure out for himself. For me, I had some incredibly gifted and spiritually-connected teachers and guides along the way. I want to show my gratitude for all of those people by passing on what I have learned and experienced.

I also want to express my thanks to my clients and students who have opened their minds and their hearts to what I have to offer. You are allowing me to do what I have been called to do. When I see you healing and learning so profoundly, I feel blessed to my very core.

Thank you students. Thank you teachers.

Of course, the most influential teachers in my life are my parents, Mike and Juanita Kissell. They raised me with every bit of love and caring they knew how to give.

John McIntosh introduced me to guided meditation when I was a student at Penn State Altoona. For years, every time I lead a meditation, it was his voice I heard.

Carla Mary Russell was my first Reiki Master. She opened the door to the world of healing and energy work.

Richard Fiallo also taught me Reiki, and even more importantly he created and introduced me to Moksha Magick. I had never heard of sacred sexuality, much less dreamed that it would become my life’s passion.

Rev. Dr. Michael Milner and Rev. Suzanne Champlin, now of the Flowering Heart Center initiated me as a Oneness Blessing Giver and opened the door to seeing God in a whole new way.

Sister-of-my-Heart Ashley Rae introduced me to Theta-Healing and more self-care and self-empowerment practices than I can count.

Guru Aum Jah taught me about myself in profound ways, sometimes painfully and sometimes most joyfully.

Lauren Gale shared Access Bars with me and continued to open my world.

Freyja and Michael Inanna guided me to my own vulnerability and power with Multi-Dimensional Awakening. I can’t even say enough about how safe and supported I felt during this process.

I know there will be many more teachers and many more students to come, so to all of you – teachers and students, past, present, and future, I express my deepest gratitude.

Namasté

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Healing Session Pricing and Packages

While some modalities can work quickly, even instantaneously, most of us (including me) are not willing or able to go that deeply that quickly. Making a commitment to do the work over a period of time is the most common way my clients successfully achieve their goals.

Image: silhoutte of person sitting in lotus position with chakra points

While it is certainly acceptable to book sessions on an individual basis, I like to offer easy and affordable methods to keep the momentum moving towards your healing goals. Here is a summary of the pricing and packages available:

Reiki: $40 for 1/2 hour/ $60 for 1 hour/ $150 for package of 3 one hour sessions.

Access Bars: $100 for a 90 to 120 minute session/$250 for a package of 3 sessions

Guided Meditation: $30 for 1/2 hour/$50 for 1 hour/ $85 for package of 3 half-hour sessions, $135 for package of 3 one hour sessions

Spiritual Guidance: $30 for 1/2 hour/$50 for 1 hour/$85 for package of 3 half-hour sessions, $135 for package of 3 one hour sessions

Nurturing Touch: $30 for 1/2 hour/$50 for 1 hour/$85 for package of 3 half-hour sessions, $135 for package of 3 one hour sessions

Discovery Through Art: $60 for one hour/$150 for package of 3 one hour sessions (includes materials)

Discovery Through Movement or Song: $50 for one hour/$135 for package of 3 one hour sessions

Combo Pack – Discovery Through Art, Movement and Song: 3 session combo pack with each session focusing on a different area of healing through the arts: $140

Healing through Ritual: $250

The Ultimate Combo Pack: Explore each modality in its own unique session – get one hour-long session each of Reiki, Access Bars, Guided Meditation, Spiritual Guidance, Nurturing Touch, Discovery through Art, Movement and Music, plus an individually created ritual for only $500 – that’s a $220 savings! And you get to try EVERYTHING!!!

Call 941-753-5138 or send us an email to book your session!

Gift Certificates are Available!

Important Policy Note: Pre-paid healing session packages are non-refundable. All sessions must be utilized within one year of purchase. They may be transferred or shared with a loved one if desired.

 

Lessons of a Sick Healer

In the last several days I have learned some interesting lessons about being sick. The first day or two I was very frustrated! The depression, allergies, and cold I’ve been battling have been kicking my butt.

I am doing some serious healing work through Explosive Sexual Healing with my mentors Michael and Freyja Inanna. With their guidance, major breakthroughs have blossomed one  after another after another.


Sick Woman Sneezing into Tissue

So why did I get sick a few days after our most recent session?

Two reasons that I’ve recognized so far: one is that my body is telling me I need to slow down and rest, and if I don’t listen to the subtle hints, it will make me slow down and rest whether I like it or not. Okay, point taken.

The second reason I am feeling so crummy actually has me excited! I feel very strongly that it is time for me to learn to take my healing to the next level! I am 100% certain that the healing modalities I practice (Reiki, Access Bars, Moksha Magick, etc.) all have the ability to 100% cure any illness of the body, mind, or soul in an instant…but why don’t they do that all the time?

There are a lot of answers to that question, but one of the most prevalent is that we don’t let them. Why wouldn’t we let them? In many cases it’s because even though we want what we’re doing to work, we just can’t acknowledge deep down that it will.

As I have told my students and clients many times, we are POWERFUL beings! We can use that power to create miraculously powerful change…or we can use that power to block the powerful healing energy pouring through us.

Now on the surface, it seems like an easy decision to make: choose miraculous powerful change over blocking powerful change. Unfortunately for most of us, it isn’t that simple.
That’s why I always encourage my students to do whatever they can to help the person they are guiding towards healing into a receptive state.

And I’ve got to say, some of my students and colleagues are better at it than I am. Some people already accept the ability to change and heal at a deep, deep level. They are able to do this so profoundly that the trust they have in themselves and the Universe pours into the recipient and through that person’s blocks like magick.

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve never healed anything through energy healing. I certainly have! Either by myself or through the facilitation of others, I have gotten rid of headaches, insomnia, nausea, a constant post nasal drip I had for years, chronic fatigue, mental triggers, emotional wounds, and more. I’ve seen all sorts of similar healings with my clients. I’m also convinced that the hypothyroidism and chronic depression I’ve been treating with pharmaceuticals for years would be much worse without this healing work.

Picture of me with the words: Ask, Trust, Allow

But you know what? I’m done! I am ready to embrace my full power and the healing of the Universe! I don’t know what it’s going to take to get me off those meds and into that state of health that I know is possible, but I’m sure it’s coming! I am ready.

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Leadership Through Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brené Brown

Man walking tightrope over sharks

On January Second, 2015, in front of witnesses, I looked directly into my own eyes and told my reflection, “I love me,” in a clear, compassionate voice.

While that seems like a simple act, I’m sure that anybody who has tried it will agree that doing so is anything but easy. To make that proclamation, especially in the presence of others, normally would leave me feeling very vulnerable. However, in this case, I felt empowered instead. I felt empowered because I had allowed myself to show my vulnerability rather than hiding it. In that sharing, I was set free and found that rather than weakness, displaying my vulnerability led to strength.

Over the past few years, I have come to appreciate that allowing our vulnerability to be seen can be an incredibly empowering experience for myself and those around me.

There were two experiences in the last eighteen months that really brought home to me that expressing my vulnerability as a leader empowers and heals both me and the members of my community who witness it.

The first experience centered on a ritual my partner of the day and I created as a tool for healing. I created the ritual as part of my healing work regarding sexual trauma. I had made a huge breakthrough near the beginning of December in which I did some powerful writing around forgiving the girl who was so scared and confused and ashamed about the situation surrounding the rapes. However, in the weeks that followed I came to realize that I had not forgiven all of me; I had not forgiven my adult-self who had made questionable decisions and chosen harmful paths in an unknowing result of what I experienced.

It was important to me to have witnesses and people to hold space during the ritual. Sharing struggles and triumphs is a human need. That need is a major reason why ceremonies like weddings and funerals are such important religious and secular events. I wasn’t thinking about the greater context at time I invited my friends. I just wanted to share my fears and celebrate my growth and healing with those I hoped would acknowledge and accept me.

In the ritual, I shared with my friends some of the specific things I had done for my healing and how utterly lost I had been for the past several months: the hours spent crying, the days spent shaking and rocking, the inability to take care of my children in the way I wanted to. Expressing those fears was an important part of taking back my power and my confidence in myself.

My partner then took us through a meditation about seeing forgiveness not as releasing guilt, but in accepting ourselves and our choices.

After the meditation, I took a jar and put in some important symbols representing different parts of my development. Looking back on it now, I think the most important item I placed in that jar was a piece of pyrite (fools gold). pyriteIt represented my fear that people perceived me as gold, but if they really knew what was inside me, they would be disappointed and see me as a fraud. I was a healer and a leader in my spiritual community, after all. What if people knew how dysfunctional I had been in the previous few months? What if people knew how full of doubt and fear and shame I was? Part of my intent in that ritual was to bury that notion and to begin to perceive myself as gold.

After I buried the jar, the others formed a line and took turns telling me how they saw me and appreciated me. I was brought to tears, not only by the beauty of the words, but by their sincerity. I wouldn’t have been able to accept their words as  genuine if I had not shared my fears first.

That ritual was a seminal moment in my life.It helped me to move back into my roles as healer, teacher, and leader with confidence.

About a year later, I was hosting a Moksha Magick ritual at my studio. It had been a long day. There had already been two other events at Circle of Light that day. The previous group had run late. Two people arrived early for the Moksha group, and I hadn’t had a chance to eat yet. My partner and I had just had a tense moment. I was hungry, tired, and on edge.

We went ahead and ate our dinner while the discussion topic was introduced. As the discussion wrapped up, we began to get ready for ritual. My partner met my eyes and asked if I was in a space to participate. The question stopped me in my tracks.closed eye I sat down and burst into tears. The old shame rushed up to greet me. What kind of leader was I? The gathering was in my space. I had suggested the day and time. I was the high priestess, for heaven’s sake!

Then something monumental happened: I was able to think clearly enough to ask myself what I would do if it was someone else in the same situation. I realized that I wouldn’t hold it against another person at all, even from a host and a leader. I would assure them it was okay and ask if there was anything I could do to help. I was able to express this revelation to the small group and then express what would help me without waiting for one of them to ask.

What I wanted was to just be held and nurtured. Instead of creating the ritual we had originally intended, we created a beautiful, powerful ritual that perfectly met the need of the moment.

I realized later what a blessing it would have been to have witnessed leaders in my own life show this level of vulnerability in a similar  situation. I was blown away. What a gift! A gift I gave myself and those who shared that space with me.

Brené Brown says, “When we meet someone, vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you, but it’s the last thing I want to show you in me.” In other words, we admire those who are able to embrace “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” However, we fear others will judge us when we do the same.

That really doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? It’s a paradox. Maybe we admire those who are willing to show their vulnerability because we want to be able to do the same. We allow our fear of weakness to hold us back from embracing our greatest strengths. Perhaps just recognizing this double standard we have for others and ourselves will allow us to begin exploring the expression of our own vulnerabilities. In doing so, we begin to courageously accept our own strength.

 

 

 

 

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Breaking Through – Part II

breakthroughopening

In my last post, I wrote about how the Breakthrough program helped me to further develop my sense of trust in the Universe and myself.

I just want to take a moment to share how the last week of the program and the final concert continued to change my life.

During that final week of the program, instead of meeting just once a week, our group of singers and seekers came together five times. Mick and Tess gave us an amazing amount of support, expertise, and genuine caring. I felt so loved and cared for by the entire group that just experiencing that support was worth the entire program.

On the day of the concert we gathered together and shared with each other our intentions for the evening. I spoke my intention of facing my fear to sing and share from an authentic space instead of wearing my performer’s mask.

When my turn came to share my song, I also seized the opportunity to share about what it meant to me. Admitting that my parents were human and made mistakes made me extremely nervous…so just giving that little speech about taking risks was a risk in itself.

And then I sang my heart out, communicating with song, with words, with movement what my very soul wanted to communicate.

happy

Our songs were chosen for us, first by Mick, and then eventually by the group. Thank you Mick, thank you everyone for taking care of me so well, and gifting me with this song that spoke to my soul so strongly. They gave me Happy, originally recorded by Leona Lewis. Thank you, thank you dear ones.

If you would like to hear what I had to say and sing, click here and enter the password nikisings

The next Breakthrough concert is on March 20th at the Unity Church in St. Petersburg.

If you are ready to break through and let yourself shine, don’t miss out on this fabulous opportunity!

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Breaking Through

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it tblooming roseook to blossom.” – Anais Nin

2015 was a breakthrough year for me. I have faced a lot of fears. I had been on three months of mental health leave from my full-time job. A few days into the New Year, I started back part-time and eventually transitioned to permanent contract work.

I started the year in the arms of my fiancé. A few months later, following some really hard discussions and decisions, we parted ways.

NYE 2015
Elizabeth, James, and me in our new home/healing center New Year’s Eve 2015

I learned to walk my own path again. My clients and students reminded me of what I know and what I’m capable of. I moved with my kids across town and expanded my business. As with any new business, we’ve struggled to make ends meet and sometimes despaired about being able to do so. At the close of 2015, I was ready to embrace life’s ups and downs, trusting that this will be a year of growth and healing. I am ready to breakthrough once more.

I have used a lot of tools for healing and personal growth during the last year: Reiki, meditation, yoga, Moksha Magick, Oneness Deeksha, art, journaling, mental health counseling…the list continues on. They all have value, and I am blessed to have them all in my toolbox to use in whatever combination makes sense in the moment. I have shared about most of these in one way or another with my students,  clients, and blog readers.

Towards the end of 2015 my dear friend Monica introduced me to a new tool. It’s called Breakthrough. It is a workshop developed to help people of all backgrounds and levels of experience in their healing and personal growth through song performance. Since October 24th, the fabulous Mick and Tess Pulver have guided a group of nine seekers to greater understanding of ourselves, where we have been, and where we want to be. For someone who loves to sing and is actively healing and growing, this was a perfect fit! With the guidance of Mick and Tess, I have continued to learn to embrace trust in all aspects of my life. I have also become aware of a fear I didn’t even know I had:  letting my true self break through the mask I tend to wear.

breakthrough

More than that, I have to share how much I admire some of the other people on this journey with me. I love to sing. I try my best to stay active in my healing work. For some of the other participants, singing in front of other people is very scary, and doing the deep work needed to really heal is downright terrifying! Yet they’re doing it! They are my heroes! It is such an honor to witness the healing and growth of everyone in Breakthrough and to share my healing and growth with them.

The culmination of all our hard work, play, and healing is a concert on January 9th at 7 pm at the Unity Church in St. Petersburg, FL. If you would like to be a part of an uplifting evening of song and hold space for some amazing performers as they share their breakthroughs, please join us!

If you are ready to do some breaking through of your own, click here for information on free introductory sessions and registration for upcoming workshops.

I wish you a blessed 2016, however you choose to breakthrough.

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A Lesson in Trust

Some of the online groups I belong to have a tradition of each person selecting a “word of the year.” It causes each of us to think about what we want to bring into our lives in the coming year. The word I chose for 2015 is “Trust.” Oh boy, did I get what I asked for.

I have learned to trust myself and the Universe through a hundred different lessons – some of them joyful, some of them painful.

I want to tell you about the lesson (or lessons really) in trust that were gifted to me as Circle of Light Unlimited came into being in my new studio.

When I started looking for a new home, I was primarily looking for something with a fourth bedroom or an extra den-like area: some sort of dedicated space where I could see my clients and maybe teach some classes. Little did I know what the Universe had in store for me.

I had always thought it would be cool to live in Village of the Arts near downtown Bradenton, a beautiful live-work community, encouraging artists, restauranteurs, and healers to come together and bring their offerings to the community. So (with my then fiancé) I set out to find if there were any houses that would meet my needs. The place that caught our eyes was a two-story building that was obviously in the process of being renovated.

We got the phone number of the owner from the building permit. Three phone calls, two months, and a break-up later, the kids and I got to see the inside of what was to become our home. We fell in love.

While there was still some work to be done, our soon-to-be landlord, a general contractor, had laid down wood floors; updated the electrical and plumbing workings; installed new fixtures; windows, and doors – in short, just done a really beautiful job. The problem? He had done such a nice job that the asking price for the rent was way out of my budget.

My heart was heavy with the asking price, but set on living in this beautiful home in this great location. I thought; I prayed; I crunched numbers. I trusted. I trusted my heart and my gut that it would be okay. I called the owner and talked him down a bit on the price. This would be our new home!

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It took a few months for the finishing touches to be put into place. During that time, there were many times that fear would ask me, “What the hell are you doing?!”

Every time I began to doubt, something would happen to assure me that it was all going to work out – that my trust was not misguided. I had record turn-out for my Reiki classes. A song would come on while I was dancing that would restore my faith. Money would appear unexpectedly.

The big day was finally drawing close. I had already signed the lease and handed over the security deposit, but before we could move in, I needed to pay the first month’s rent. The difference between what I had been paying for rent and the new amount was substantial. I had no idea how I would pay that difference that first month. A few days before it was due, I started to panic.

What the hell was I doing? Where could I scrape that money together? I had already borrowed quite a bit. My GoFundMe campaign had been a complete bust. What was I going to do?!

Then a calm settled over me. The trust that I had asked for at the beginning of the year showed up in force. I knew that my need would be met.

Less than 24 hours before that rent payment was due, I got a call from a friend. She is somebody I have done meditation and healing work with, but I would not have said that we were close. At 11 pm that night, she offered to loan me the money I needed.

I was blown away. I just sat there with my mouth hanging open. What I had believed in my head about the law of attraction and trusting in the Universe had just come into my life in a very tangible way. I was able to integrate what I had cognitively understood as the power of trust into an embodiment of trusting with my whole being.

Wow!

And that wasn’t the end of the lesson.

I had decided to check out the price of movers for loading and unloading. I was surprised how affordable it seemed to be. Well the day before the move, I found out why. When the company I had booked called to confirm, I figured out that while they had estimated that it would take their guys six hours for the move, the price they had quoted me only covered 3 hours. Ouch.

So I canceled the movers, forfeiting my deposit, and made some desperate calls for last minute help for a weekday move. My dear friend Monica and her son Ben came through. Some other people could come later in the day. And… somehow this turned out to be a good thing – my daughter was suspended from school for showing up late to detention.

So we loaded up the U-Haul, and headed to the new house. Now the new house doesn’t just have stairs, as Monica put it, “It has STAIRS!” Stairs which we had to haul heavy furniture up. Just at the point of our mutual despair, an amazing human being rode past on his bike and offered to help. Al was a Godsend. He stuck with us through another truckload. After I had fed my stalwart crew, he even serenaded us, accompanying himself on my mother’s old guitar.

In that moment, my new studio full of friends and music, I looked around the room, and tears of gratitude filled my eyes. I am so very blessed.

And I trust I will continue to be blessed.

How I Finally Learned that Art is Fun

I consider myself to be a performing artist to some degree. I love to sing and dance, and from the age of 10, my home away from home was the local community theater.

I’ve never thought of myself as a visual artist. When I was a kid and the Sunday School teacher asked us to draw a picture to make the morning fun, I would end up in tears because it never looked the same way on paper as it did in my head. In my Reiki II class, I became completely intimidated when we had to learn how to draw the symbols.

When I began doing the Journey of Yes courses a few years ago, I was nervous about doing the art prompts, much less sharing them with the professional and semi-professional artists in the course. I finally talked myself into doing some of them and posting them on the Facebook group. Everyone was so supportive of my stick figures and wavy lines. They truly appreciated the symbolism I put into my attempts of self-expression.

joyhand

 

Imagine my surprise when I realized that I was actually enjoying doing this kind of art.

Not only was the artwork helping me to process and express my emotions, it was actually fun!

Then, joy of joys! During the Hell Yes course at the beginning of the year, a piece of  the class  included some tutorials on how to create memes and other digital artwork on Picmonkey.com. All of the sudden I could visually express the pictures in my head!

Here is my first attempt at digital art: beyou  I created it to encourage myself in my journey as I learned to speak up for myself.

I used these creations to help me process what I was working through at therapy and at home.  bindourselves

 speak truth super hero

                              halt

Pretty soon, I started making memes for others,when they needed encouragement as well: drythemall

phoenix

Some memes came to me as messages in meditation havecourage

like this one that I wrote about in the post Have Courage. Speak out and this one that was related to me by a fellow student in my Core Shamanics class fire

This one was inspired by current events

(the historic Supreme Court ruling in favor of same-sex marriage).

marriage equality

Most continue to express my thoughts and feelings as life has continued to evolve.

leap2

leap1

(I couldn’t decide which one I liked better here.)

releasedoubt

ask.trust.allow

This one is a self-portrait showing myself what it would look and feel like to have achieved my goal of trusting myself and allowing blessings into my life, as I wrote about in a previous post.

worthy Empathy 

The last few memes have honed in on some quotes by figures I admire and am learning from. These messages inspire me so much that I want to create art incorporating them and share them to inspire others.

Including this last one that I just made today.

transform sex

Thanks for letting me share here once again. I really encourage you to explore a new art form. Push your boundaries, and express yourself.

And have FUN!

Bridges

As many of you know, I am in a transition period in my life, a bridge so to speak. This has been an incredibly healing and powerful weekend. I need to write about it to help me continue processing what I have experienced. I’m sharing my reflections here in the hope it will help someone as they are transitioning through their own bridges.

bridge

The weekend of healing and insight began Friday evening at a Moksha Magick gathering. It was the first time I had seen my former fiancé since he moved out at the end of May. I knew that seeing him might be hard, but it was both easier and harder than I had expected. It was easier in that it wasn’t as awkward as I thought it might be. We were able to come together in Moksha and let it be exactly what it needed to be. It was harder because by the time I got home, I was much more raw and emotional than I had anticipated.

There was so much that was left unsaid. I played games on Facebook for hours trying to get myself to wind down. As I was trying to convince myself that I really needed to go to bed, I came across a post from one of my Reiki students with a suggestion for a simple new moon ritual of releasing. It was perfect. I combined it with the intention from the Moksha Magick ritual for emotional strength. I asked the Goddess to give me the emotional strength to release my longing for the relationship that now belongs in the past.

Cool, I thought. I’m being given the emotional strength we raised energy for already. Well, yes and no. Writing “longing for the relationship” on a broken piece of pottery and burying it did give me a sense of action and peace. But the next day, I found that I was continuing to replay the evening and then add imaginary conversations in my head.

At a private healing circle that day, the thought of the broken relationship brought up tears that I thought had already cried themselves out. The tears and the support I received were healing. I acknowledged that I still needed to spend time with what I was feeling and why I was feeling it.

The weekend culminated Sunday morning, sharing Conscious Movement with members of a tribe who made me feel right at home. This was only the second time I had danced and moved with this fabulous group. Some of them I had met briefly before, and some of them I shared space with for the first time.

I surprised myself this morning by being on time and the first one there. When I walked in the door, the comforting smell of sage greeted me, followed by warm, enthusiastic hugs from the organizers. As I warmed up with the music, it felt so good to be in a supportive, accepting dance space with the beautiful souls coming through the door.

The theme of today’s session was Bridges. The fabulous Kathy Oravec, facilitating through music and movement, helped us to find and express the bridges in our lives.

Not long after the opening circle, I found myself in a situation I rarely encounter: I felt lost on the dance floor. I wandered aimlessly, without feeling the music in my body. I kept coming back to a blanket that had a pile of small scarves and some toys that were there for us to move with if we felt like it.

It popped into my head to create a bridge with the scarves. I laid some scarves out end to end, thinking that the bridge I was creating was a bridge into the next chapter of my life. This was a bridge to a life where I feel comfortable and confident on my own. I went back to the blanket and found a little car, then sprawled next to the scarves. The car drove part way up the scarf bridge in time with the music and then turned back towards the beginning. I moved the car back and forth, making progress little by little, until it jumped the track and took a completely different bridge into my new life.

I felt accomplished and proud of myself, but sad too. I missed AumJah. I thought about how much he would enjoy this gathering and how fun it would be to share it with him. There were these huge floor to ceiling windows encasing the room in a semi-circle. I thought about how much he would like those too. I drifted to one and looked out at some trees. They seemed to be inviting me to join them. So I went and gave one a big hug, finding comfort in its solidness and peace. I cried and gave them my sadness, my longing, my pain. I sat with them until I felt that I had expressed all I needed to in that space.

Then I went back inside and flung myself into the dance. I smiled, I played, I connected with people, and instead of feeling lost and wondering what to do, I lost myself in the dance, knowing exactly what to do.

I found more bridges. The first was the dance itself: it created a bridge to my feelings, the sadness, the joy, the connection. The second bridge was the tribe gathered to share connection through the music and movement. They made me feel so welcome and part of them, embracing me physically and energetically.

I will surely spend more time with all of these bridges…and count myself blessed.