Just over a year ago, April 14th, 2014, I had a revelation that changed my life forever. My journey has led me through confusion and pain since then, but it has also brought me a greater state of wholeness than I have ever known. Today I am reflecting on what I have been through and what healing still needs to be done, but mostly I am CELEBRATING!
Some of the following story may be painful to read, but one of the things I am celebrating is that it is no longer difficult for me to write.
I have been so blessed to have my lover, my friend, my partner, my teacher, my student, my confidante, my fiance – AumJah – in my life. We have known each other for several years, but we did not become romantically involved until Thanksgiving Day 2013. Our sexual joining was a joy on so many levels. The bliss we were able to share with each other is beyond words. We found though, that at times, our love-making would change from loving passion to powerful healing. I would cry and feel a huge emotional release, but I couldn’t figure out why. The moment would pass, and I would go back to my life.
One Sunday night after this scenario had occurred, the moment did not pass. I felt uneasy and sick to my stomach all through the next day. I left work early. I rushed home to AumJah upset and confused. “I feel so ashamed, but I don’t know why,” I told him. “I feel icky.”
Looking back on it, I am overwhelmed with gratitude about what he did next. He held me and comforted me, and then he asked me if I wanted to find out why. I said yes. I laid back on the bed, and AumJah helped me to reach a meditative state. We then walked backwards through my life a few years at a time. We traced the icky feeling of shame back through my 30s and 20s, back into my teenage years. Each time we regressed further, the feeling of shame increased. When we went to 17, the feeling was potent, almost palpable. We went back to 13, and the feeling of ickiness vanished. I saw sparkly bubbles, and I felt radiant. We moved ahead again, this time to 14.
The sensation of shame slammed into my core, and I doubled over on myself. I saw myself in a dark bubble of scum covering my whole body. The part of me that throbbed and squirmed the most was right between my legs. It took me several moments to comprehend what my subconscious was showing me. I saw hands reaching into my vagina. With horror I finally managed to whisper, “They violated me.”
After that, I somehow came back to my room and to AumJah. He held me and and rocked me, knowing that no words were needed right then.
In the year that has passed, I have learned many things. I have remembered more and more about the series of rapes perpetrated by a group of at least four men (none of whom were related to me). I have chosen to call this experience of remembering and healing The Awakening. I have wakened to many things about myself and my life. I have experienced doubt, depression, and shame. I may write more about that part of the journey later. For now I want to tell you how I celebrated.
AumJah and I built a fire in the back yard. We shared a bowl of ice cream. Then I wrote in my notebook all the things I could think of that I am able to celebrate as a result of The Awakening. After I wrote down each gift I was celebrating, I lit a candle. I lit 25 candles last night, and there are many more that I didn’t think of, but those lights still shine in my life. Here is what I wrote:
– Taking Control of my life
– Expressing my anger
– Speaking my truth without fear of judgement
– Sharing my story
– My inner child (At this point I picked up the doll I have been using for inner child work. I sat her on my lap and told her that I would give her time and attention. I kept her with me for the rest of the ceremony.)
– Unlocking the artist me
– First-hand knowledge that can help others
– New directions for my ministry
– Greater depth of understanding and sharing
– Ability to identify and express my feelings
– Greater ability to express my true self
– Releasing the hurt and shame
– Healing my body
– Getting rid of physical and metaphorical baggage
– Learning the joy of true sharing and community
– I am Gold (I’ll post about this more later)
– Becoming an even better Mom
– Standing up for myself
– Knowing Grace (my unborn daughter)
– Loving me
– Learning to let go
– Trust in myself and the Universe
– Coming to this point of appreciation
So happy Awakening Day to me. As hard as this journey has been and continues to be, I wish you your own Awakening Day and the courage to embrace and celebrate its precious gifts.